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Jul 18

7 Modern Vices That Are Actually Virtuous

If you suffer from a guilty conscience, reframing is a valuable technique. No one wants to admit that she is willfully doing something bad for her mind or body (‘social smoking’ is a construct). The idea of a cheat meal is handy because it allows you to think of truffle fries as a one-off indulgence and it removes the need to do penance at The Dogpound. We all have to square our choices with our images of ourselves and what we know is actually good/bad for us. Jim Gaffigan does a whole bit on how pancakes are a way to reconcile our desire to eat cake in the morning with the truth that we should not eat cake in the morning. Assembled here is a way to feel better about your self destructive impulses. Read and follow with three Hail Marys for a spiritual refresh.


Asking Your Dad for Money

Dads need attention, too. Straight out of Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People, “Make the other person feel important–and do it sincerely.” Your father will feel loved and appreciated when you ask him for a little velvet to supplement your laughably inadequate salary. He doesn’t want you to starve – how else are you supposed to afford oat milk and a spiralizer? Asking dad for money will make him nostalgic for a simpler time when all you requested were his credit card to order Uggs and hinted that a Range Rover would be just fine for your 16th.

[Photo via IMDB]


Buying Books You’ll Never Read

As long as you’re patronizing independent bookstores*

Buying books you’re never going to read is the modern day version of Gatsby’s uncut library. Continue amassing those volumes, though, because everyone knows: the more hardcovers you own, the purer your soul. Who cares if your copy of The Beautiful and Damned is gathering dust and Look Homeward, Angel is sun faded–they bring together the look of your gilded bar cart just so. If you’re shopping at Book CultureBluestockingsShakespeare & Co., or Greenlight, you’re giving print publications a reason to exist. Without local bookstore patrons, how could a journal dedicated solely to celebrating the art, ideas, style, and culture of tennis exist? The world is richer for all of the insanely niche magazines that are only available at independent bookstores.

Extra points if you buy something out of print.

[Photo via @strandbookstore]


Indulging In Extravagant Sleepwear

If under eye bags were directly correlated to pajama spend, my dark circles would be nonexistent. It doesn’t *quite* work out that way – but they’re not entirely unrelated. This vice is basically self-care because if you have amazing pajamas you’ll spend more time in them, and it follows that you’ll sleep more.

[Photo via @sleepyjones]


Buying Aspirational Groceries

You know when you convince yourself that you’re going to eat clean? Like Miranda Kerr clean? Treat yourself to some maca powder and goji berries. Chickpea flour and grapeseed oil. Why not also get some nutritional yeast and coconut sugar? Go full Miranda and get noni juice. The lifestyle change never ends up sticking, but keep doing it because it’s basically a psychological cleanse.

NB: This muesli recipefrom Huckleberry chef Zoe Nathan is my favorite thing to eat in the world. The recipe is ridiculously involved and the grocery shopping will take you forever. It’s the perfect start to a sure to fail diet.

[Photo via @goop]


Enjoying A Lazy Afternoon Tea

Save a harpist, go to tea. Besides weddings, who else is hiring harpists? Channel your inner Eloise and go to the Plaza to eat finger sandwiches and petit fours. Sleep well knowing your clotted cream/lemon curd consumption has done something good for humanity.

[Photo via The Plaza]


Gossiping Your Way To A Better Self

Gossip facilitates a collective consciousness! Gossiping bonds you with others! Gossip makes you feel good about yourself! These are real things that The Atlantic printed in an article called “Gossip is Good“. What a boon – reading it is as life changing as learning about ‘good fats’. Now I eat prosciutto for long life. Likewise, you can circulate rumors under the pretense that it’s good for you.

[Photo via @jooleeloren]


Posting Selfies For Mental Health

Instagram models and bloggers rejoice: the surely distinguished computer scientists at the University of California reported that taking selfies is a beneficial and healthy activity. Selfies lead to “an increase in body confidence and an overall improvement in mood.” It’s not hard to imagine what a study from the same scientists on thirst traps would look like: Thirst Traps Linked to Increase in Metabolism and Earning Power. Let’s hope their study wasn’t state funded.

[Photo via @kendalljenner]


Written By: Sanibel Chai

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